How do you chop an onion without crying?

Ah! Another elusive question! I've heard rumors that there's an answer to this question, but quite honestly I've never had the time or energy to investigate it (or faith in any of the sources). Until recently. The other day, however, I found myself 1.) facing an onion, 2.) presented with a particularly potent specimen, 3.) with only a few minutes to spare. So I did some research.
The articles I found suggested various methods to help you chop said onion with minimal tears. Allow me to endorse/debunk a few.
1.) Place the onion in the freezer for 15 minutes prior to chopping. (You must be kidding. Most of the time when I'm chopping an onion I need it five minutes AGO, not 15 minutes from now. Try again.)
2.) Use a sharp knife. The odor/watering eyes are the result of enzymes released when the onion's cells are disturbed from the physical act of chopping. (My recipe requires that I mince this onion. I seriously doubt this will work. Try again.)
3.) Wear contact lenses. (I can attest that this does actually make a difference. Chopping onions seems to bother me much less when I'm wearing my contacts vs. when I'm preparing something in the early morning to cook in the crock pot while I'm gone to work. I usually end up with speckles of moisture all over my glasses where my eyelashes have slung tears all over the inside of my eyeglasses. However, this is not a viable option for non-contact lense wearers.)
4.) Chew a piece of bread or potato while chopping the onion. (Aaahhhh! Carbs!!!!)
5.) Set a lighted candle near your cutting surface to burn up the escaping enzymes. (This one seemed just crazy enough to work and also required the least preparation.)
Yes! The last suggestion honestly seemed to work! It was the only one I had time for when I was needing my onion, and I honestly noticed no tears whatsoever! (Even though I had teared up slightly, prior to my research, just from peeling the flaky skin off the outside of the onion and cutting off the tip!)
So...my recommendation? Forget all the other bogus tips that are out there! Just light the candle and set it next to your cutting board! Chop away!
Q: How do you chop an onion without crying?
A: Place a lighted candle next to your cutting surface!